William W. Lee, Ed.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

CHILDREN AND GRIEF

When a family member dies, children react differently from adults. Preschool children usually see death as temporary and reversible, a belief reinforced by cartoon characters who "die" and "come to life" again. Children between five and nine begin to think more like adults about death, yet they still believe it will never happen to them or anyone they know.

Adding to a child's shock and confusion at the death of a brother, sister, or parent is the unavailability of other family members, who may be so shaken by grief that they are not able to cope with the normal responsibility of child care.

Parents should be aware of normal childhood responses to a death in the family, as well as signs when a child is having difficulty coping with grief. According to child and adolescent specialists, it is normal during the weeks following the death for some children to not feel immediate grief or persist in the belief that the family member is still alive. However, long-term denial of the death or avoidance of grief can be emotional unhealthy and can later lead to more severe problems.

A child who is frightened about attending a funeral should not be forced to go; however, honoring or remembering the person in some way, such as lighting a candle, saying a prayer, making a scrapbook, reviewing photographs, or telling a story may be helpful.

Once children accept the death, they are likely to display their feelings or sadness on and off over a long period of time, and often at unexpected moments. The surviving relatives should spend as much time as possible with the child, making it clear that the child has permission to show his or her feelings openly and freely.

The person who has died was essential to the stability of the child's world, and anger is a natural reaction. The anger may be revealed in boisterous play, nightmares, irritability, or a variety of other behaviors. Often the child will show anger towards the surviving family members.

After a parents dies, many children will act younger than they are (regressive behaviors). The child may temporarily become more infantile - demand food, attention and cuddling; crying and whimpering; talk "baby talk"; thumbsucking; bedwetting; and fear of darkness. Young children frequently believe they are the cause of what happens around them. A young child may believe a parent, grandparent, brother, sister died because he or she had once "wished" the person dead when they were angry. The child feels guilty or blames him or herself because the "wish" came "true". Their reactive behaviors may include nightmares, sleep problems, irrational fears, refusal to attend school, outbursts of anger and fighting, physical complaints, feelings of guilt, and emotional numbing or "flatness". Adolescents may exhibit flashbacks, nightmares, emotional numbing, avoidance of any reminders of the lost person, depression, substance abuse, peer problems, school avoidance, academic decline, confusion and suicidal thoughts. Some children may feel extreme guilt over his/her failure to prevent the loss of life and may harbor revenge fantasies (in the event of a violent death), or anger and doubts about religious beliefs (why did God let this happen?).

Children who are having serious problems with grief and loss may show one or more of these signs:

These warning signs indicate that professional help may be needed. A mental health professional specializing in children and adolescents can help the child accept the death and assist the survivors in helping the child through the mourning process.

After a death occurs, the family is the first line of resource for helping. Among the things that family members and other caring adults can do are: