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MAKING STEPFAMILIES WORK
According to the American Psychological
Association, it is estimated that more than 33 percent of all children in the United
States are expected to live in a stepfamily before age 18. These "blended"
families experience adjustments and challenges due to a wide range of factors such as
loss, conflict in loyalties, changes in parenting approaches and living arrangements, to
mention just a few.
James Bray, PhD, a researcher and clinician at
the department of family medicine at Baylor College of Medicine discusses five areas in
which stepfamilies need to address, often requiring professional help: planning for
re-marrigage, marital relationships, parenting in stepfamilies, stepparent-child
relationships, and nonresidential parent issues.
 | In planning for marriage, the adults need to agree on where they
will live and how they will share their money. Moving into a new home rather than one of
the partner's prior residence is advantageous because it becomes "their home".
Remarriage may stir up old, unresolved anger and hurt from the previous marriage affecting
both adults and children. For example, hearing that her parent is getting remarried, a
child is forced to give up hope that her biological parents will reconcile. Couples need
to anticipate parenting changes and decisions such as household rules and
responsibilities. |
| The quality of the marital relationship is tested early since they are more consumed
with the demands of their kids rather than having the first months of a marriage to build
on their relationship. Young children may feel a sense of abandonment or competition as
their parent devotes more time and energy to the new spouse. Adolescents are more
sensitive to expressions of affection and sexuality and may be disturbed by an active
romance in their household. |
| Parenting in stepfamilies is the most difficult aspect with bonding and developing a
close knit family unit influenced, in part, by the developmental needs of the children.
Young children need closeness and affection making it easier for a blended family to
become close. However, adolescents are at a stage where they would rather separate from
the family as they form their own identities, which is at odds with the desire for the
stepfamily to become close and bond. Stepparents should at first establish a relationship
that is more like a friend or "camp counselor", rather than a disciplinarian.
Couples should agree that the custodial parent remain primarily responsible for control
and discipline until the stepparent and children develop a solid bond. Stepparents can
simply monitor the children's behavior and activities and keep their spouse informed. Use
of household rules and consequences, developed by the couple, should be discussed with the
children so that the stepparent is simply following the house rules rather than being an
arbitrary disciplinarian for the family. |
| Ties between steparents and children tend to be more conflictual than those of the
nuclear family. Stepparents can not just jump right in and establish close relationships
until they consider the child's emotional status and gender first. Children have reported
that they prefer verbal affection such as praises or compliments, rahter than physical
closeness such as hugs and kisses. Overall, boys appear to accept a stepfather more
quickly than girls. |
| Children usually adjust better to a divorce when the parent who has moved out visits
consistently and has maintained a good relationship with them. The less a parent sees the
child, the more a child is likely to feel abandoned. Parents are cautioned not speak
against their ex-spouses in front of the children because it undermines the child's
self-esteem and may even put the child in a position of deffending a parent. |
Under the best coditions, it may take two to four years for a new stepfamily to adjust
to living together. With psychological interventions, the process can go more smoothly.
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William W. Lee, Ed.D.