William W. Lee, Ed.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

Almost all women who are physically abused are also verbally abused (84%) and psychologically abused. 72% of battered women report that emotional abuse had a more severe impact on them than physical abuse. Among a group of battered women, 46% of women state that emotional ridicule is the worst type of abuse to experience. There is no difference among the races or various ethnic groups on the incidence of physical abuse. Psychological abuse is a significant predictor of depressive symptomology and problem drinking. Psychological abuse is a meaningful predictor of parents who will neglect or maltreat their children.

According to Linda Berg-Cross, Professor of Psychology at Howard University, there are three freedoms in intimate relationships. Promoting these freedoms in your partner will safeguard your self-respect and avoid any psychologically abusive behavior on your part. when your partner protects your freedoms, you will never be a victim of psychological abuse.

                        - freedom of speech

                        - freedom to have friends of one's choosing

                        - freedom to honestly and fearlessly express felt conflicts

                        - freedom of movement

To deny these freedoms to a partner is to be emotionally abusive. the offensive behavior is CONTROL

            -  is your partner critical about your religious views or rituals?

            -  does your partner discourage you from expressing your point of  view in public or                  when the two of you are alone?

            - are you encouraged to communicate with and see your friends? 

            - does your partner control  what you wear, where you work, what you buy, or who you                 see?

           - does your partner encourage you to try new things and go new places?

                        - freedom from fear and isolation

                        - freedom to experience security

                        - freedom to experience companionship

                        - freedom to experience physical comfort

To deny these freedoms is to be psychologically abusive. Disregarding the Second Law of Intimate Relationships makes one WITHHOLDING, INTIMIDATING, and/or DENIGRATING.

            - does your partner make fun of your triumphs, discourage your plans, or minimize your                 successes?

            - do you feel belittled or does your partner ridicule the traits you admire most in yourself                 and others?

            - does your partner make you fell immature, dumb, or ugly?

            - does your partner make you feel like the less important partner?

            - does your partner disapprove of or thwart your important life goals?

            - does your partner enjoy it when you feel insecure?

            - does your partner avoid intimacy or resolving conflicts?

            - do you feel the sexual relationship is all about your partner?

            - does your partner order the house in a way that stresses your partner's comfort more                 than yours in terms of food preferences, temperatures, sleeping conditions. etc?

                        - freedom to carry out responsibilities towards family, friends and communities

                        - freedom to pursue meaningful careers and pastimes

                        - freedom to have time alone

                        - freedom to deal with death, disability, and illness in a way that is congruent                             with lifelong values

To deny these freedoms to a partner is to be psychologically abusive. The offensive behavior is RESTRICTING AND ISOLATING.

            - does your partner diminish your responsibilities (e.g., taking care of a parent or a                 neighbor; volunteering to work late; paying off a debt, etc.?)

            - does your partner argue against your engaging in hobbies or work-related activities?

            - does your partner feel abandoned by your need to be alone?

            - does your partner lack commitment to help you if you are disabled or ill?

            - ask your partner which freedoms he/she feels you protect and which you limit

            - find out which freedoms are most important to your partner 

            - sign on to protecting the freedoms most important to your partner

            - remember that these freedoms are restricted by our resources, our responsibilities, and                 the need to endlessly negotiate a fair deal with our partner

            - protecting our freedoms at the expense of your partner's freedoms is selfish and                 invariably makes you an abuser

There are four methods that will help prevent psychological abuse: